it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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