i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
