just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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