Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
