Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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