I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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