i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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