then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
