so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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