dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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