I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
