Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
