I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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