Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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