In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
my liver is dry heaving
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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