if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i drank out of a bidet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
