apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
