wanna go halves on a baby?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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