terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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