i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
