She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
