just tell him i said nine months
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
