I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I forget how to act sober
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
