i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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