One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
