I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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