Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
