Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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