dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
