I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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