The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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