I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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