i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
