Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
