so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
