Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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