I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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