Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
