Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Sext me about skeletons
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
