from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
