you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
