If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
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Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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