exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
