I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
