Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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