I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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