Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
