My sheets look like a crime scene.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
