omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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