Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
