Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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