I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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