just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
