living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
