Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
