OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
operation have a gay friend backfired
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"