You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.