a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
